Going Nowhere Fast

My motivation the last couple weeks has been waning.  Correction: my motivation has been non-existent.  While I was at my parents' for the last week, not only did I not exercise, but I ate like crap.  Yes, I did cook healthy a couple times.  But then I washed down my healthy food with tons of soda, and followed that up with the cookies that were in the cookie jar.  The whole time I was there, I ate all but one cookie in the cookie jar.  There were probably 10 when I got there.  That means I had at least one, if not more, every day.

Gross.

I stepped on the scale this morning, and my slacking off definitely showed on the scale.  I'm not a happy camper.

I've been terrible at blogging.  My posts have been half-assed, along with my eating and exercise habits.  This is so disappointing after such a great month of completing the Xtrain Series.  The bad thing about that series, though, is that I gained weight.  I was half-assing my eating, while going full out with working out.  I thought it was just that I was gaining muscle.  I don't think so.  It has everything to do with what I put in my mouth.  

I find that I eat mostly well during the day (when I say mostly well, I mean I eat well maybe 75% of the time).  But then when it comes time to go home, I binge.  It's not that I'm not eating enough during the day, trust me.  

I just can't seem to find my groove.  I have been STUCK in the 150s for more than 2 years.  Yeah, I've gotten out of them a couple times, but every time I start getting close to 145, I start ballooning up again.  Why?  I don't get it.  It's also frustrating to be working out, and gaining weight.  I thought that maybe tracking what I ate (even though I loathe it) would help with that.  It didn't.  It only confirmed my worst fears - that all I would think about was eating and food and numbers.  It made me obsessed again.  

I'm horrible when it comes to food.  I don't want to eat the same things every day - I get bored.  But if I have too much variety, I get too flexible with myself.

I'm at a loss, and I guess this is a cry for help.  I don't know what to do to get out of the 150s.  I hit my highest weight a few years ago, and I can't get away from it.  

And for those of you wondering - the scale read 156.1 this morning.  Not my highest, but after such a huge fitness gain, that is NOT making me happy.  

I'm not giving up, and I'm trying to keep the positive attitude.  It seems to wax and wane.  I don't want this to turn in to a negative place, and I certainly don't want to complain every day.  But I need to be honest.  And the truth is that I feel hopeless right now.