See Through Shorts

Let me preface this post by saying I had an AWESOME Memorial Day Weekend (and birthday – my birthday fell on Memorial Day this year….love when that happens)!  However, the majority of it was ruined by one little thing.

My see-through shorts.

Let’s back up for a minute.

My boyfriend and I were planning on staying home because he had some stuff going on.  But then at the last minute he decided to skip it, and we were off and packing. 

Well, that packing part worried me a little.  Because lately I haven’t been fitting in to anything.  I have nothing to wear.  I wear the same black pants to work every day, and rotate between 5-6 shirts every week.

I looked in my summer drawer where I keep my shorts.

“Hmmm,” I thought.  “Maybe I should try these on before I put them in the bag.  They were a little loose last summer, so if anything, they should fit.”

They didn’t fit.  Whoa.  I realized I gained weight this winter, but now my shorts (that were loose last year) didn’t fit.

What was I going to do??  We were leaving that day, and I couldn’t go to the store.  I certainly didn’t want to tell my boyfriend that my butt expanded so much that I have nothing to wear.  Then I remembered something.  I looked in to my pajama drawer.  I had a pair of really really old black shorts that could pass as regular shorts.  They were a little worn out, but – better those than nothing!  So I threw them in my bag with everything else and we went on our merry way up to the cabin to meet my family there.

The very first day, after we had all gone fishing, my sister-in-law asked, “Are you wearing pink polka-dot underwear?”

Yeah, well, I most certainly did not look like that.

You could completely see through my shorts.  And of course I hadn’t packed any black or tan underwear to at least make it less noticeable.  And to make it worse, all the underwear I did pack were very bright colors. 

Sigh.

So I went in my room and cried.  Then I changed in to my black capri leggings and sweat the entire day in the 80 degree weather.

The rest of the weekend I decided that it was way too hot to wear those capris, so I wore the shorts with a sweatshirt tied around my waist.  How fashionable.

Like I said, I did have a good time.  But none of that mattered to me.  I was so self-conscious the entire weekend, feeling sorry for myself, wondering how my boyfriend could ever find me attractive, etc.

What a wake-up call.  I need to do something about this weight.  It’s not good for my appearance, and it certainly is not good for my health. 

Begin Again

I can’t believe I’m writing this post.  I feel like this blog is back to square one – only further back.  Does that make sense?  Since I started this blog, I have seen myself lose weight, gain weight, lose it again, and now back to gaining weight.  Only this time I weigh more than I ever have in my entire life.  Even more than I did when I was complaining at the beginning of the year when I hit the 160s, which I had never done. 

I’m now in to the 170s.  I’m only 5’1”. 

Seriously?  Am I really at that point?  It was exactly a year ago that I ran my first 5K.

It was the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure on Mother’s Day.  I was hovering around 150 here – getting so close to the 140s.  I was getting so excited that I’d finally be in the 140s again soon. 

But after that race, things just went downhill.  Not only with my running and weight loss, but also with my personal life.  Slowly, but surely, I gained all the weight back that I had been working hard to lose.  And then some. 

The last time I stepped on the scale (earlier this week), I was at 172.  Yuck.  That’s all I can say.

I took yet *another* set of before pictures this past weekend.  I look more terrible than I thought.  Sure, I knew my clothes weren’t fitting.  I pretty much wear the same clothes every week (hesitantly, because I don’t even feel comfortable in the clothes that I feel most comfortable in).  I haven’t gone shopping in months, yet I’ve thrown away so many clothes that got rips in them, or just plain didn’t fit anymore.

“It’s the dryer,” I said.  “The dryer at the apartment sucks and shrinks everything.”

While that certainly may have been partly true, pictures do not lie.  And here they are, in all their glory (sorry, I’m not the best at taking pictures of myself). 

I find it quite ironic that my “before” pictures include the leis that I got at my first 5K, hanging on the mirror.

So I guess you could say I’m back.  But not for good reasons – I’m back because I need that kick in the pants and the means to stay on track.

But now is not the time to have a pity party.  I put myself here.  And I most definitely can get myself out.

 

PS – I know I mentioned in my last post that I’d be starting something “new”….but I just couldn’t part with this blog.  So this blog will be sticking around.  For quite a while, judging from these pictures.    :)