Um...Who Is That??

Last night, I was looking through some old pictures on my ex's phone.  And then I came across some pictures of me (these were not taken too long ago - maybe a few weeks ago) sitting in a lawn chair, and a few from his brother's wedding.  I thought I looked great that night.  I had splurged on a dress at Macy's, and felt like a million bucks.

Um...what was I thinking???

I. am. fat.

There is no way around it.  My God, I didn't even recognize myself.  I knew I could stand to lose a few pounds, but I did NOT realize how unhealthy I look.  There were a few pictures of me looking to the side - my neck looks like it belongs on a turkey.  Where is my jaw line?  No where to be found.

I can't believe I look like that.  Needless to say, it was the kick in the pants that I needed.  I'm still debating about whether or not I want to share those pictures here on the blog.  Maybe some day I will, when I can post an "after" or "during" picture at the same time.

All I wanted to do last night was cry.  And stuff my face.  And starve myself.  All at the same time.

I truly know what it means now to be "in denial" when it comes to weight loss.  I have been in denial.  All this time, I thought I was a little chubby, and that all those people who were saying I was fat (mainly my ex's friends, who thought I didn't understand Spanish....joke's on them) were just stupid men who only liked how little girls looked - not how a real woman looks.  Yes, I have curves, but they are way too big for my 5'1" frame.  Ugh, I'm so.......I don't even know the word.  Disgusted?  No, that word doesn't do justice for my feelings right now.

Many of us know what we have to do to lose weight, but a lot of the time, we don't do it.  We make plans, only to let it fall to the wayside, or don't even start them at all.  We make excuses for ourselves: "I worked out extra hard today, I deserve this ice cream."  We tell ourselves that we have time, and it's not like we have "that much weight to lose."  Or the biggest one yet....."I don't want to."

No.  I don't want to.  But after seeing those pictures?  I want to.  I have to.  I am not a little chubby.  At 5'1" and 156.2 pounds, I am on the verge of the "obese" category, and my body fat % is more than 30%.  That's not chubby.  And that's not healthy.  Not one bit.  Not even a little.