It’s Called a Break-Up Because It’s Broken (Part 1)

I mentioned last week that I’d be starting a series here on the blog.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to recap my run yesterday (it didn't go so well), or start the series.  I may do another post later today.

This series is entitled “It’s Called a Break-Up Because It’s Broken.”  In the last month or so…maybe longer…my love life has waned.  A lot.  In the past several years, my confidence in finding one person to spend my life with has dropped down to about 0%.  I have found wrong man after wrong man.  And I have stayed in those relationships, wasted time, and tortured myself.  Not only that, but all the break-ups were very messy break-ups.  I go from blog to blog, reading about everyone's love stories, or reading about the everyday happenings of the women with their husbands and children.  I don't have that yet.  This girl does not have a love story - at 27 years old (it's not like I'm 18 anymore).  I believe that there’s a connection between my terrible relationships and my weight – my low self-esteem.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.  Let’s start at the beginning.

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In high school, I was one of those girls who hadn’t had a boyfriend yet.  Sure, I had crushes on many many many boys.  But I was always too shy to say anything.  I was the nerd with the glasses and braces.  Surely, no one would want me.  One of my crushes even proved it to me. 

There was a guy that I used to dance with  (no, he was not gay).  All the girls had a crush on him.  He eventually grew out of his dancing stage (thank God, he wasn’t even that good), and quit dance.  This was in about 7th grade.  I had a crush on him all throughout high school (one of my many crushes – I didn’t crush on just one guy at a time, I had to keep my options open).  That is until the end of sophomore year.
I was in the same math class as him.  I remember it was the last class of the day, and we were all packing our backpacks and waiting for the bell to ring so we could go home.  He was in ear shot of me, so I could hear a conversation going on that he had with another guy.  Of course I pretended I couldn’t hear him, but he noticed me, and he knew I was listening.  And what did he say to his friend?

“God, she’s ugly,” he said.
”Who?” asked his friend.
”Heather.”
”Gee, you’re such a nice guy J.”

I was crushed.  Mind you, now that I look back on it, I think he was one of the ugliest people I had ever seen.  His face was weird.  I really think I only liked him because it was “cool” for us dancers to like him.  But at the time, it really broke my spirit.  I had never thought of myself as ugly.  That was the first time that thought ever crossed my mind.  This is one of the most vivid memories I have of high school, and it sucks.  From then on, I was convinced that I was “ugly,” and that no one would ever want me.

Fast forward to senior year.  There was this guy….I had never really noticed him, until our first day of senior year.  We’ll call him A.  Over the summer, A had gone to boot camp for the Army.  Before then, he was always pretty heavy.  But boy oh boy, when he came back senior year….WHOA!  He was a HOTTIE.  I told all my friends I liked him, specifically the girls on the dance team.  We loved talking about our “crushes” at practice, and this was no exception.  Everyone thought it was really cute, and that we would make a really cute couple.

Then one day in choir, my friend Jessie was sitting next to him.  I wasn’t there, I was across the room, but apparently she hinted to A that someone had a crush on him.  He insisted on knowing.  But she wouldn’t tell.  Not without my blessing of course.  I told her the next day that I had no problem if she told him that it was me.  This could be my chance!  My first boyfriend!  And lord knows I needed a date to the prom.  Nevermind that it was still 7 months away – but you know high school.  It was every girl’s worst nightmare to go to prom without a date!!  Yes, the world would most certainly end if I did not have a date to that prom.  And I had no guy friends, really…what the heck was I going to do????

So, the next day, Jessie told him who it was that liked him.  After school at dance team practice, she came up to tell me what he said….