Today I Looked In The Mirror

You’re probably wondering, “big deal”, right?  Everyone looks in the mirror every day.   But today I really looked at myself in the mirror.

Not naked.  I’m not talking about that today.

No, I looked myself in the eyes today.  And I saw…

Emptiness.

Sadness.

Tiredness.

I have not been myself the past few months.  I have gained more weight, felt more uncomfortable in my clothes, but most of all – I’ve put everyone’s needs ahead of my own.  Something I had vowed not to do this year. 

For the past few months, I’ve done absolutely nothing for myself.  I’ve had no time to myself to work out, relax, get a hair cut, do my nails – nothing to take care of myself.  I’m not going to get in to the details of “why”.  I don’t think that dirty laundry needs to be aired on the blog. 

But it was as if my soul was empty when I looked at myself.  I don’t even know who I am anymore.

I don’t remember the last time I went shopping for clothes.  I wear the same five outfits every week, and I feel absolutely and ridiculously frumpy.  I don’t wear nice shoes anymore either.  You’d think that would be the one thing I can wear and not worry about it not fitting.  But I’ve noticed as I gain weight, I can barely walk in heels.  I’m constantly tripping or rolling my ankle.  Maybe my ankles can’t handle the extra weight?  I don’t know, but it’s really annoying.  So I’ve been wearing flat shoes (old shoes, at that).  The same shoes every day.  And when you’re short, flat shoes are no bueno.  They make me look even more frumpy.

Not only that, but I typically take a shower in the morning, and do nothing with my hair.  I let it air-dry, and it falls flat within a couple hours (or by the time I get to work).  Not to mention I haven’t gotten a hair cut in ages, so even if I do attempt to do my hair, it falls flat anyway. 

And make-up?  Um, what is that?  Some days I may find a little time to put some eyeliner on, and that’s it.  I look absolutely ridiculous at work, and I’m sure I’m the topic of conversation between quite a few people at work (you know how gossipy people can be in the cube farm – it’s like high school all over again). 

I have absolutely no time to exercise.  I’m stuck doing those other things for other people, so by the time I get home and in bed, it’s 11:30.  Then I get up and leave the house by 5:30.  I am gone every day from 5:30 am to 11:30 pm. 

I’m exhausted.  And I hate my life right now.  I just want my life back.  I have no idea if that will happen any time soon. 

All I know is, today I looked myself in the eyes….and I didn’t like what I saw.