Laying It All Out There

Today I’m going to just start writing, and see where it goes from there.  Things have been awfully quiet with me lately – part of that has to do with the fact that I’m moving, and I’m also very busy with work at the moment.  I’m in charge of a very large event that’s happening next weekend (which falls right around moving time, ha!).  So to say I’ve been busy is an understatement.  But that’s not the only reason.

A huge reason I haven’t posted is because I’ve been failing.  Failing at losing weight.  Failing at finding a healthy balance.  Losing weight sucks.  It’s hard.  A lot of bloggers only blog about their triumphs and their 2 pound weight loss every week.  Some do post about the negative aspects of losing weight, but sometimes I feel alone.  Sometimes I feel like, “Why am I the only one struggling?”  “Why do I always make these grand plans, only to fail at them, miserably?”

It hasn’t been all bad, but with the good came bad.  For example – earlier this year, I made it a goal of mine to actually stick to an exercise routine (Xtrain) and get through it.  And I did.  But I gained weight.  Sure, it could have been muscle mass, but I did not lose very many inches.  How does that happen?  Well, I was a little too lenient when it came to calories.  So while, yes, I was probably gaining muscle mass, I was eating too much and gaining fat at the same time.  Leave it to me to be the one who gains weight on a weight loss program.

Another good thing that came with some bad?  Running.  I made a goal of running my first 5K.  I followed the Couch to 5K plan to a T about 95% of the time.  And I did run that 5K – in under 40 minutes, 37:51 to be exact.  I was so proud of myself in that moment.  But then it brought me to thinking, “What next?”  I made a goal of running a 10K in October.  And then I stopped running altogether.  I continued to try running here and there, but it never stuck again.  Maybe I didn’t fall in love with running as I thought I had.  Maybe I fell in love with the idea of running all these races, and looking like an athlete.  Sure, I’m happy with my accomplishment, but I’m sad that I’m basically back where I started.  And I’m still debating whether or not I want to try running “one more time.”

I came back from my “blogging hiatus” all gung-ho with my Labor Day Challenge idea, and it failed miserably on the second day.

Why does this happen?  I don’t understand why I just don’t have the discipline to do this.  My weight has been a big struggle since college.  Sure, in high school, I wasn’t the skinniest – I was average – but I did not have this issue with food and losing weight.  Once college came, I kind of retreated in to a shell.  At a time when most people flourished and made the best memories of their lives, I was alone in my dorm room every weekend watching movies and eating the latest smorgasbord I picked up from the gas station / grocery store / fast food place.  I was lonely, and I was gaining weight.  My self-esteem took a huge nose dive, and I became even more shy than I had ever been.  I didn’t make any friends in college.  Not one.  Sure, I had acquaintances, but no one ever asked me to hang out with them. 

Thus began my weight loss cycle.  Gaining a ton of weight, feeling terrible about myself (even more), frantically looking for the next fad that would help me lose weight and planning like a mad woman, going on the diet for a couple days (if that), and then giving up because I just liked food too much.  And it helped with my boredom and loneliness.  I just didn’t want to do it.  Plain and simple.  My desire to lose weight was huge, but I just didn’t haven’t the drive and determination to get there.

This has been going on for about 10 years now.  And I am not getting any healthier or smaller.  Due to my low self-esteem, I’ve been in terrible relationship after terrible relationship, which only brings my self-esteem down even more.  Seriously, it’s like a bottomless pit when it comes to my self-esteem.    Any guy who shows any interest in me whatsoever, I cling on to him – like, finally someone cares about me and I’m not alone.  And I don’t even realize that these men are not who I want to be with.  They are not what will make me happy.

What will make me happy?  Being skinny of course (I’m being sarcastic).  Dieting and exercising has become like an obsession for me.  I know it’s certainly not true, but sometimes I feel like if I’m skinny, my problems will be solved.  I won’t be lonely anymore.  I’ll find an amazing guy.  I’ll get married and have kids.  All because I got skinny.

I am constantly thinking about it.  Not an hour goes by in the day where I don’t think about losing weight.  And that’s not healthy.  Losing weight should be about finding balance – not creating an obsession. 

I guess that’s what my issue with the scale mainly boils down to – balance and discipline.  But how can you put these two together?  You certainly do need discipline when it comes to weight loss, but it’s hard to be disciplined (for me, anyway) without it becoming an obsession.  I need to find balance.  I can’t let this consume my life – because it’s not helping me at all. 

Okay, this post is long enough.  Thanks for listening to me ramble.  Basically I haven’t been posting much, because I’m embarrassed by how little I’ve accomplished since I’ve started this blog.  It’s hard to look at other bloggers doing so well, while I’ve been struggling for the past year I’ve had this blog (it will be a year in August!).  I’m still trying to find what works for me.  Sometimes I feel like nothing will work for me.  Like I’m always going to just be big, and get bigger and bigger.  And lonelier and lonelier.  And that’s a scary thought.