Scared

I knew I shouldn't have done it.  I knew I shouldn't have taken that big, clunky b*tch out from underneath the bathroom sink.  But I did.  And as I stepped on it, I was expecting a number that looked something like 15?.  But what did it show?

163.

That is my highest weight, ever.  I can't believe that I have gotten to this point.  And I'm really scared that it's just going to continue to creep higher and higher in to the 170s, the 180s, etc.  

Why is this happening??

Ugh, I know it's Friday, and everything is supposed to be light-hearted in blogland, but that b*tch put me in a mood this morning.  I don't know what to do.  I can not let my weight get any higher, but I honestly don't know what to do anymore.

I'm.  Scared.

My Favorite Teacher is Gone - and Yoga

Yesterday was my first time back at the gym in a few months!  It was great!  I went to a Core Fit class for 25 minutes, and then straight to Turbo Step.  I was pumped, until I realized that the teacher had changed.

I remember when I first started taking that class, she mentioned she'd be retiring from her day job (in an office), and that she wouldn't be teaching anymore, beginning some time in September.  She must have gone early, because last night was the first night she was gone.    :(     She is apparently traveling Spain for a year to learn Spanish so she can teach it.  I don't know if she'll be back in a year or not, but her class was definitely a lot less full.  She was so beloved at that gym.  She'll really be missed.    :(

Last night's teacher was okay.  The music was a little boring and didn't get you pumped.  I was ready to leave after the first 10 minutes, but I stuck it out.  Luckily, she was just there for that night only.  I think she said they're still deciding on a teacher, and that whoever it is, will be there next week.  I really hope they don't cancel it.  It's my favorite class!  Unfortunately, I don't think anyone will be as good as the original teacher.  So sad!!

I may be doing a little moving around of my schedule, because she was actually the teacher for a few of my other classes.  I'm thinking on the weekends I'll be trying out Yoga (I've only done a little, here and there...just beginner videos).  I always thought it wasn't a great workout, but I've heard from a few people that it really is a great workout.  And just look at Elissa from Big Brother!!!

She's a yoga instructor, and is doing Yoga every day on the feeds.  Just look at those abs!!!  She looks amazing.  She may be annoying, but that girl's body is unbelievable.

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I'm also happy to report that my eating has been really good the last few days.  I've been so tempted to just go to McDonald's for dinner the last couple nights, because it was late, and I was too tired to make something at home.  But the reality was, I had leftovers both nights, so I knew it wouldn't take too long to whip something up.  So I stayed away from McDonald's both nights, and ate a healthy dinner!  I'm so proud of myself.  I'm even feeling a little less puffy!!  Woo-hoo!

That's it for today, folks!  Later!

Dear Gym: I Wish I Could Quit You!

Remember way back when I was training for my first (and only, so far) 5K?  When I was religiously going to the gym almost every day?

Well, that's about to happen again.  No, not the 5K training - but I will be going back to the gym.  I put my membership on hold for the summer, thinking, "Oh, it'll be so nice out!  I can run outside and do exercise DVD's and save money!"

Sure, I saved money.  But where else did it get me?  I gained weight, and I didn't do a damn thing all summer.  After a lot of contemplation this past weekend, I decided I'm going to lift my membership hold early, and go back to classes at the gym.

And I couldn't be more pumped. Classes are what have kept me consistent in the past.  Sure, my wallet will suffer a little more.  But if I go more than 8 times a month, I get a $20 discount.

I'm ready!  And so far, my weekly schedule is looking like this....

Monday: RIPPED
Tuesday: Rest or bike ride outside
Wednesday: TurboStep!!!!  Going back to my favorite class!! And Chisel Plus
Thursday: Circuit
Friday: Rest or bike ride outside
Saturday: TurboStep and Chisel Plus
Sunday: HIIT, Chisel, and Ballet Barre (maybe, if I'm feeling up to it)

Guys, I'm so excited to be going back to the gym.  I think this is one of the best decisions I've made, in relation to my health, in the last few months.  I'm looking forward to bringing the gym back in to my life!!

Fit Test, Measurements, & This Is Where I'm At

I touched on my stats a little bit throughout the week last week.  Yesterday I completed a Fit Test, took my measurements, and looked at all my stats.  It's not pretty, peeps.

My measurements are worse than what they were in the beginning of the year, and my weight is at an all-time high.  My highest weight ever was 162.  I'm at 159.  That's scary.  Here's the cold, hard truth.

Weight / Measurements
Weight: 159 (up almost 8 pounds)
Chest: 44" (up one inch)
Waist: 36" (up 2 1/2 inches...yikes)
Belly (love handles): 43" up 2 1/2 inches)
Hips: 42.25" (up 2.25 inches)
Thighs (L/R): 24.75" / 24.75" (both up)
Arms (L/R): 11.75" / 12" (both up)

Fit Test Results
This is my first time completing this Fit Test.  It's part of the Peak Fit System, which I'll be talking about a little at the end of this post, and in more detail this week.  This test will be completed again in 8 weeks.  The following is the number of reps I was able to complete in 1 minute.

Prisoner Squats: 39
Alternating Front Lunge: 34
Burpees: 16
Squat Jumps: 38
Push-ups (on my knees): 19....I hate push-ups
Ankle Grabbers: 19
Sit-outs: 18
Plank to Frogs: 15
Fence Hoppers: 41
Side Lunge to Jump Shot: 28

Calories
I came to the conclusion that I eat, on average, 1700-2000 calories/day.  More on the weekends.  Calorie counting does not work for me - we've already established that.  I'm going to keep adding baby steps little by little and focus just on that.  But I will be checking in every other week.  Every other week, starting on Thursday, I'm going to track my calories for that day - just to see where I'm at.  I think this will work for me, because I pretty much eat the same things every day.  Weekends are another story, and that will come in its own time.

Peak Fit Challenge
I know I said yesterday that I would only be working on drinking more water, and watching what I eat when eating out; but I do actually love exercise.  It keeps me going.  When I don't exercise, my eating tends to slip.  I knew I needed a program like Xtrain again to keep me going.

A few weeks ago, I ordered the Peak Fit System.  And it is awesome.  I've previewed most of the DVD's, and even downloaded some of the DVD's that weren't included in the program, because I loved the music so much.  They're remixes and basically something in addition to the program when I complete it.  I may be subbing them in for other DVD's toward the end if I get bored.

I'll go more in-depth with the program as time goes on.  Yesterday I just did the Fit Test as the first workout.

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To say that writing this post was difficult and embarrassing for me is an understatement.  But it can only get better.  I have a feeling that taking small steps is going to create huge accomplishments for me.

Small Steps Challenge

Well, it's Monday again, and it certainly feels like it.  You know it's not Monday for me until I enjoy a little Garfield.

I just can't help it - Garfield was my favorite cartoon growing up.  I watched all of the holiday specials.  I watched all the old Garfield.  I watched "Garfield and Friends" every Saturday morning, and any other time it was on.  I couldn't get enough of it.  And now, as an adult, I bought all of the Garfield and Friends DVD's.  LOL.  I'm obsessed.

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So last week I talked about taking baby steps when it comes to my weight loss.  A lot of people say that taking small steps works a lot better for them.  For me, I know this is going to prove to be a little difficult, because I tend to be all-or-nothing when it comes to weight loss.  BUT my all-or-nothing mentality has gotten me no where.  They say weight loss is supposed to be uncomfortable.  So I'm thinking I'm on the right track.

This week, I chose 2 different small steps.  I'm going to add more water, and I need to watch what I'm eating when it comes to eating out and fast food.

Let's start with water.  To help me add more water, I'm going to keep a glass next to my bed (this may prove to be difficult, seeing as the cat loves to lay on the night stand).  I'm going to fill the cup each night, and drink the entire glass upon waking.  I'll also drink a cup of water before every meal.  Then again when I go to bed at night.  Here's what it looks like in bullet points (because I like bullet points):

• Drink a cup of water upon rising
• Drink a cup of water before every meal
• Drink a cup of water before going to bed

Now for the fast food/eating out.  If I do get fast food (I tend to do this on the weekends), I can only order from the kids' menu - like a happy meal or something from McDonald's.  For places like Potbelly or Jimmy John's - I can only eat "skinny" versions of everything.  When eating out at a restaurant, if the kids menu is not an option for me, I'm going to only order 1-2 appetizers.  Also - no soda.  I can have soda at any other time, but not at restaurants.  As for buffets?  I need to have at least 2 vegetable servings on my plate, and I can only order water.  No juice or soda.  Again, here it is in bullet points:

• Only order from the kids' menu
• Order "skinny"
• Only order 1-2 appetizers
• Buffets: at least 2 vegetable servings, and water only

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I think that adding these two things won't be too difficult.  As far as exercising goes, I'm still working out the details for that, but if I only work on these two things this week, that is okay.  I need to keep telling myself this.  I will get there eventually.  Slow and steady wins the race.

I'm also going to be adding a page just for my small steps plan.  Make sure you keep checking the tabs at the top of the page.  I may also add a link to each post, since I know a lot of people read blogs on their phones, and the entire page typically doesn't show up on phones.

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That's it for today.  Make it a great one!

ETA: Here is the link to my Small Steps Challenge.

During my time at Graco, I have been in charge of the employee recognition service award program, both domestically and internationally.  I handle the distribution of awards (which includes communicating with the awards vendor), as well as coordinating the recognition events.  When retirees near the end of their career, I help to coordinate their retirement events, and work closely with Communications to post an announcement on the company intranet site, as well as on the retiree blog.  Another large part of my job is handling employee welfare – ordering flowers for deaths/hospitalizations, coordinating the annual company Christmas party (with attendance of about 700+ employees and families), coordinating the annual Employee Giving Campaign (a month-long event), handling the quarterly blood drives at the Minneapolis location, and most recently coordinating the largest event for the company – the annual Minnesota picnic.  More than 1800 people attended the event this year, which was a record number.

In addition to employee welfare, I am the “face of HR.”  I am the first person to greet employees as they enter the HR department, and I am first point of contact when employees call the Benefits line, or email the main benefits inbox.  I answer questions regarding benefits, retirements, systems issues, and more.  The daily and weekly processes of running reports from ADP are also a large part of my job.  I’m in charge of the weekly dependent audit process and the weekly open opportunities to enroll process.

I’m co-leading a team project with my manager, a co-worker, HR Managers, and HR personnel in Asia Pacific and Europe to re-vamp our employee recognition program.  We are currently in the process of selecting a new awards vendor, as well as creating a centralized document of all program descriptions and rules, worldwide.

 

Flex Compensation

At Flex, I had a set number of clients that I was in charge of in regards to administration of FSA and COBRA plans.  Included in the FSA administration, I audited/processed FSA and dependent care claims, Benny Card transactions, and processed a weekly or bi-weekly (depending on the payroll schedule of each client) run of FSA and dependent care claim payments.  I was the main point of contact for the HR department with each of my clients, and also for the employees.

Included in the COBRA administration, I processed the monthly payments, resolved eligibility issues with the carriers, coordinated Open Enrollment for COBRA populations, and handled the administration of qualifying events.

Customer service was one of the main parts of my job.

 

HR Simplified

At HR Simplified, I handled the administration of COBRA.  I was not assigned a specific set of clients, but was mostly in charge of customer service and the weekly mailing of election agreements.

 

Benesyst

At Benesyst, I was a part of the customer service team in answering questions regarding FSA and COBRA issues.  Issues ranged from COBRA payments to eligibility issues to claim / benny card denials, and more.

Why Counting Calories Does Not Work (And Never Will)

Okay, before you get your weight loss panties in a bundle, just hear me out first...

I was debating on whether I should be so bold with that title.  Well, it's my blog, and I'll cry if I want to.  Or something like that.

Now, when I say counting calories doesn't work, I mean it does not work for me personally.  And here's why.

Because I become obsessed with food.  And then I eat more.  And I gain weight.  It's a vicious cycle.  I've talked about this before, when I first decided I was going to start counting calories again.  I should have known better, because every time I've tried counting calories, I just become consumed with it, and food rules my life.

It starts to become a full-on eating disorder.  Yes, I said eating disorder.  Because my relationship with food is so distorted, that it's the only thing I think about.

"Okay, I've had X calories for breakfast.  I should tone it down for lunch.  But I already packed X, so now what?  I'll just eat it anyway, and eat hardly anything for dinner."

"Snack time is coming up.  My snack that I packed for today has X calories, but I really don't want it.  What else can I have that has the same calories?  A candy bar has way too much, and so do those Cheez-Its."

"Mmmmm, Cheez-Its.  But they have too many calories."

"Cheez-its!  Cheez-Its!  Cheez-Its!!"

"Okay, I'll have the Cheez-Its.  Now I really need to go light on the dinner."

"What can I eat for dinner that doesn't have any calories?  Salad?"

"I don't like salad.  But I definitely can't have any carbs."

"I just won't add any protein or dressing to my salad.  Maybe just some lettuce, cucumbers, and lime juice."

"Ugh, I really want a carb.  Spaghetti is sounding really good right now.  Maybe if I measure it out, I don't need to eat a salad."

And then I proceed to eat about 5 cups of spaghetti.  And swear to myself that I'll eat less then 1200 calories the next day.

Do you see how this goes?  And this is every day.  It is not healthy.  Some people can count calories and not constantly think about food - I'm jealous.  But that's not me.  Never has been, and never will be.

Weight loss is all about finding out what works for you.  If you go mental when counting calories, find something else that works.  For me, I'm taking small steps to eventually find a better balance when it comes to my love of food.

Now please excuse me while I enjoy my lunch, and not worry about how many calories I can eat at my next meal if I don't feel like eating what I packed today.

A Typical Day

Hi everyone - hope you're all having a fabulous Wednesday!  I for one am happy that this week is more than half over.  Coming back to work after a week-long vacation is no fun.  I'm ready for the weekend!!

Lately I've been talking about taking baby steps when it comes to weight loss.  I'm typically an all-or-nothing person, so this is a little difficult for me.  Especially when it comes to knowing where to start.

Well, I can't know where to start if I don't have a baseline - what does my typical day look like?  What do I eat on a "normal" day (for me)?  A normal day for me means not being restrictive with calories, and no bingeing (ugh, I never know how to spell that word).  For the last few days, I've been eating normally, and not really paying attention to trying to diet.  A typical day for me is between 1700-2000 calories.  At this calorie level, I've been maintaining/gaining a tiny amount here and there (with no exercise).  Nothing earth-shattering.

In the next few days, I'm going to be tracking my movement - how many steps do I take in a certain day?  I used an online calculator to figure out my resting metabolic rate, which is what I burn if I'm completely sedentary.  All calculators have me at a 1450-1550 RMR range.

Once I'm able to figure out a baseline for my movement, I'll put the two together and see what I can come up with.  Right now, I've made a very vague list of "baby steps" that I can put in to action over the next several weeks/months.  Here they are...

• Find a designated eating area - no eating in front of the TV/computer/phone.
• No fast food; start out by only ordering "kid" size portions.
• Meal plan
• Drink more water
• 1 soda/day
• Measure/weigh all food
• Walk on the treadmill while watching Big Brother (and other favorite TV shows)
• Add veggies/fruit to every meal (2 to breakfast, lunch, & dinner; 1 to snacks)
• Low Carb Day(s)
• Join a support group (like through an online forum such as 3 Fat Chicks)
• Only 1 "treat" a day
• Where is your baseline (working on this)?  (avg calories/day/week; avg steps/day/week; avg exercise/day/week; avg sleep/day/week)

Anyone have anything else to add?  Any suggestions for what I currently have?

The CAN

I'm so terrible at blogging lately.  Seriously.  I need to come up with a better solution to my blogging problems.  Like actually formally come up with posts, rather than winging it and just writing about whatever is on my mind and being all over the place (like this post).

I'm hoping that my new Catch All Notebook (or CAN) will help in that department.  I mentioned in my last post that I'm reading through the Change Your Life Challenge.  One of the first toolbox items is creating a "Catch-all" notebook - a little notebook you take everywhere with you, and you write down things you think of throughout the day (grocery lists, books you want to read, sites you want to visit, to-do lists, etc.).

Um, why didn't I think of this before?  I was always looking for scrap pieces of paper, and had tons of post-it notes floating around in my purse with to-do lists and workout ideas.  Then I'd end up forgetting and losing everything.  Not a good system.  I've been using this notebook for the past couple days, and it is amazing.  You should try it!!

Speaking of workout ideas - I really need to get back on the exercise wagon.  I'm still thinking up my "small steps" program, and that will certainly be part of it.  I'll admit, it's going to be really hard trying to tone it down and go slow, rather than gung-ho "I'm doing an intense 8-week program to lose 10 pounds!!" like I normally do.  This should be interesting.

That's all for now folks.  Make it a great one!

Change Your Life Challenge

Thank you to those of you who commented on my last post.  It was a little hard putting those "current" pictures up.  BUT ya gotta face the music.

Earlier this week I visited the book store (remember I'm on vacation all week - this is the first time in my life I've ever been sad that the end of the week is getting closer).  I love the bookstore.  I could sit in there for hours.  Just something about getting a yummy cold coffee drink, smelling the coffee/books, and sitting down in the cafe to read, is so rejuvenating and relaxing.  I started this habit when I was in college - the bookstore was my study area.  Who goes to the campus library??  I certainly didn't.

Typically when I go to the bookstore, I'm on the hunt for a certain "theme" of books.  This week's theme?  Getting over being dumped, and how to make a comeback.  There weren't really any books that I fancied, but one in particular did catch my eye, which I did end up buying.  It really goes along with my "inner butterfly"-themed post I wrote yesterday.

The Change Your Life Challenge by Brook Noel.  I've gotten through the introduction piece and have started the first part of the book, and I'm loving it so far.

Breaking up sucks.  It's even harder when your self-esteem is as low as mine.  I find myself sitting alone most of the time, wishing I was doing something.  Wishing I had more friends (all of them are married/with kids/in a serious relationship).  It's not fun being alone.  But I don't want to go back to him.  I'm hoping this book will kind of guide me through that area of my life as well.  What I like about this book is that it doesn't just focus on one area of your life.  Brook gives you the tools you need to work on any area of your life where you're feeling out of balance.

Like I said, I'm not too far into it yet, but I hope to share more of what I'm learning as time goes on.  This next stage of my life is looking pretty good.

Now if I could just stop checking my phone every 10 minutes to see if he called.      :(

As Bethenny Frankel would so kindly say - I need to get a hobby!

Time To Get Real

In just 3 short days, on August 10, it will mark my one year anniversary of having this blog.  This blog started out as Eat, Live, Dance, Repeat - which later became My Inner Butterfly when I got my own domain name.  

One year ago, this is what I looked like.

And now?

To say I'm not happy with this would be an understatement.  Who starts a weight loss blog, only to gain weight (I started this blog weighing in at 148 pounds; I now weigh 157 pounds)?  Granted, I did accomplish some great things in the past year.  I ran my first 5K - something I never thought I'd do.  I also finished an entire rotation of Xtrain (um, which I gained weight on).  

As Dr. Phil would say....

It's time to get real.

I have not done what I set out to do with this blog.  When I started writing here, I had high hopes.  I just knew that "now was the time."  That 2013 would be my year.  2013 isn't over yet, but it will be coming to a close sooner rather than later.  

I feel like maybe I've been going about this all wrong.  I come up with these grand plans, and when I don't do 100%, I quit.  I'm an all-or-nothing gal when it comes to weight loss, and I know that I can't think that way.  I tend to think that if I'm not doing everything at once like "I'm supposed to be," then it's not good enough, and it will never work.

But how will I know it won't work if I don't try?  

I've heard time and time again that many people are successful with making small changes.  And even though it won't get me to my goal weight as fast as I'd like, I'd like to think that it would get me further than everything I've tried in the past year.

Weight loss also doesn't just happen with some physical changes (working out and eating less).  It also needs to go from the inside out.  My goal with this blog was to work on myself, from the inside out.  I've been focusing so much on the outside, that I feel I've gotten away from the core of myself.  I need to reign myself back in and focus more on balance, which is something I've touched on in the past few weeks.

From this day on, this blog will not just be about weight loss.  It will be about my journey to find myself, and to truly finding my inner butterfly - something I have neglected, even though it's one of the most imperative parts of losing weight.

I may not see the changes I want in the least amount of time, but I know that I will be better off for it in the long run.  It's time to shed my cocoon.  It's time to find my butterfly.