Enough Is Enough

First of all, thank you to everyone who commented on my series.  It was a bit hard putting all that out there, as it is a little embarrassing, but I'm glad I did it.  All of your comments have helped me immensely.  I hope to, in the future, open up more with various series.  And don't worry - they won't all be serious and depressing, hehe!

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So, I decided that I was going to kick the scale to the curb last month.  Remember?  I thought that by focusing on my behaviors, rather than my weight, I would actually get somewhere.

Wrong.  I weighed myself this morning, and I weighed the SAME.

That's right.  No change.  And I am feeling hopeless.  Absolutely hopeless.  Since the beginning of the year, I went from not working out AT ALL to working out 5-6 days/week.  Since the beginning of the year, I went from eating a ton of fast food and not counting calories, to eating more fruits/vegetables, watching what I eat, and watching my calories/portions.  And since the beginning of the year, I have gained weight.  Like 10 pounds of weight.  Is there something wrong with me???

I've decided that maybe, since I'm extra short (5'1"), I shouldn't be as lenient as I am with my calories.  Maybe I should NOT be eating back my exercise calories.  It has gotten me no where.  Maybe 1200 calories is what I need to eat, not the 1600-1700 I've been eating (although I still only had a net of about 1200-1300).  I hate being short.

I'm seriously at a loss.  A part of me thought that maybe it's my birth control pills.  I've never had this kind of problem.  But I've been on the pills for more than 2 years now.  They can't still have an effect on me, and I know I'm just looking for excuses.

ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

Enter, my Birthday Month Challenge - 31 Days of Weight Loss.  Yep, May is my birthday month - I'll be 28 on May 26 (ugh, that dreaded 3-0 is coming faster than I care to say).  I figured this would be a good way to end Operation Red Bikini with a bang.  A lot of girls are doing the Jillian Michaels Challenge for ORB, but I can't do Jillian every day.  I don't like her.  I can, though, deal with her a few times a week (with my own music).  Here's how the challenge will work - it's based on a points system, and I got the idea from Six Sisters Stuff - and they got the idea from the Lifetime Wellness Challenge....

(Click to make the picture larger)

It's kind of like what I was doing this past month - rewarding my behaviors, but now it's based on a points system.  And depending on how many points I get by the end of the month, I'll get a prize.  Week 1 has less possible points because May 1 is a Wednesday, so maximum points for week 1 is 203.  The remaining weeks is 297.  Then I get bonus points for weight lost, and maintaining lowest weight.  Yes, I'll be weighing myself weekly again.  Weigh-in days will be Mondays.  

If you take a closer look at that picture, you'll see that I get points for both morning and evening workouts.
That's right.  Two-a-days are here!  I told you - enough is enough, and it's time to get serious!  Morning workouts will consist of 30DS on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday (again, with my own music); and Cathe Friedrich's Super Cuts on Tuesday and Thursday (a shorter premix - I want to keep my morning workouts to 30 minutes or less).  Details on my evening workouts to come...

My birthday month has a ton of great stuff in store.  There's even an added bonus at the end of the month -
but you won't get those details until later!    :)

(Hehe, sorry - I've been watching too much I Love Lucy on Hulu)

And with that, I'm out!  Make it a great one!

It’s Called a Break-Up Because It’s Broken (Part 5)

Okay, finally finishing this series up, then it’s back to my normal blogging.  I’ve missed blogging, and am kind of glad this series is over, lol.  But it most certainly has helped me look a little deeper into myself and my relationships. 

Read Part One Here
Read Part Two Here
Read Part Three Here
Read Part Four Here

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So where did we leave off?  I finally got rid of E, with the help of M.  Now, I should have listened to the advice of many – you should never start anything serious with someone you meet in a bar/club.  But I was desperate.  I wanted to get out of that stupid “friendship” with E, and this was the perfect opportunity.  I remember that I didn’t even like M much in the first place.  But I needed attention, so I took it and ran with it. 

Our relationship started okay.  He is Hispanic as well, and his English was not very good.  It was really hard to understand him at times.  But he was sweet, and seemed like a romantic, which was a breath of fresh air.  We started spending a lot of time together, and I eventually grew pretty fond of him.  We spent every waking moment we could together, and I was actually starting to feel a little suffocated, but I didn’t let that bother me too much.  As long as I wasn’t alone, right?  Wrong.

All was fine and dandy.  I knew he had a son, but after stalking his Facebook (like every sane girlfriend does), I noticed some pictures of a little girl as well.  I started questioning him, and he eventually confessed that he had a son and a daughter (with his ex-wife – I’m glad it was with only 1 woman).  He didn’t tell me about his daughter, he said, because he was afraid to lose me.  Well, you’d think lying about it would turn me off, don’t you think?  I told him that if he has anything else to tell me, he better tell me at that time.  I didn’t want to find out about anything else "accidentally."  He told me there was nothing.

Wrong again.  One night, we had gone to the regular spot we always went to (a latin night club – I probably should have taken it as a bad sign that he knew practically every girl in that stupid place; but he introduced me to everyone as his girlfriend, so I shrugged it off).  We were heading upstairs to the main level, when all of a sudden a woman comes running at him and screaming.  She slapped him, and told me that he was her husband.  Lovely.  Apparently, he was separated, NOT divorced. 

I won’t go into detail, but you all know that stupid me forgave him, and we were together up until about a month ago.  Our relationship was a very rocky one.  There was a lot of emotional and verbal abuse (when he was angry with me).  A lot of times he called me fat, and said he wished that I looked like his ex wife.  It goes on, but I’d rather not go into too much detail.  There were also many times when I caught him on dating web sites saying he was single (which is laughable, seeing as he’s still going through his divorce – so he had a girlfriend AND a wife) and looking to have “fun.”  Whatever that meant.  To give him a little credit, he did stop after I found that out, but towards the end of our relationship he started up again.

There is a lot I didn’t get in to here, because I am still in frequent contact with him.  Oh hell, I might as well just confess and say that we have a full on “friends with benefits” relationship.  He says he wants to be single for a couple years – because he never got to enjoy his 20s, single.  I’d say he pretty much did, because I’m 100% certain he cheated on his ex-wife throughout their whole marriage.  And sorry, but if you don’t want to marry me now, you won’t want to marry me in two years.  What a lame ass excuse.

All of these relationships are really just an embarrassment to me.  An embarrassment because, really, for the past 8 or so years, I was in a relationship with someone who came to me while they were with someone else.  An embarrassment because I continued with these relationships, because I was too scared to be alone.  Too scared that I would never find someone to marry (kind of like I was so scared to go to prom alone – maybe that’s the only reason I tried so hard to find a boyfriend in the first place).  And most of all, I just wanted to find someone who thought I was enough.  I want to be enough for someone.  I have always felt like I haven’t been, even though my friends and family think the opposite – that I was too good for any of them.  Kind of twisted thinking on my part, don’t you think?

I can say, though, that I am getting better.  With every workout, and every run, I feel stronger.  I find that I really don’t care if M goes out without me.  If he finds someone else, well….too bad for that girl.  Now I just need to find the strength to leave permanently – before he gets to leave me first, for someone else.  I’m trying to be happy with me, to be happy alone.  Running is making that happen.  It may be happening painfully slow, but I’m stronger now than I ever have been.  And for that, I wouldn’t go back to change a thing.

Checking In

Happy Friday!  I'm just popping in real quick to say, yes, I'm still here.  Life, and especially work, have been more than stressful lately.  But I'm happy to report that my workout schedule has not suffered because of it, and I've actually been eating pretty decent.

I do plan on finishing up my "It's Called a Break-Up Because It's Broken" series on Monday.  I'd really like to get back to my normal blogging.  I'll be working on that, and hopefully posting it early Monday morning.

I also want to finish up the series soon because on Tuesday, it will be my first weigh-in in a month.  Yep.  One month has passed since I broke up with that damn scale, and I vowed I would only weigh myself once a month from that point on.  To be honest, I'm not expecting really good news.  I'll go into more detail in my post on Tuesday.

But until then, happy Friday, and have a great weekend!

Perkins Is the Devil

Um, so we had pies from Perkins for our HR April Birthdays celebration.  I had a slice of their Peanut Butter Silk Pie.  I figured there would maybe be around 500 calories.

That was my face when I saw it.  

960 CALORIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WTF??!?!?!?!  I can't believe that that is true.  How is that even possible?????

Ugh, I completely ruined my diet for the day.    :(      Excuse me while I go cry.....

It’s Called A Break-Up Because It’s Broken (Part 4)

I promise I’ll finish this series up real soon, either tomorrow or Wednesday.  Then it’ll be back to my normally scheduled blogging.   :)

Read Part One Here
Read Part Two Here
Read Part Three Here

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E had been the best-looking guy I had gone out with.  I was captivated by him.  And it made my stomach do flip-flops knowing he wanted me – me, the supposed “ugly” girl.  It all started innocently enough.  He told me I was cute, he watched me all the time, and a couple times he went out to lunch with a friend and I (this was when I was working at that same warehouse I met K. It was during my winter break - so he didn't live by me when I was going to school the rest of the year).  He eventually asked me to be his girlfriend.  It was a little difficult at the time, as I was living in Mankato and going to college (but I was in the process of applying to transfer schools to be closer to home).  The next couple of months flew by. 

But then I started to wonder…why could I never go to his house?  Why were we always going to places far away from where he lived?  I knew he had a son, and maybe that was it, so I didn’t question him.  But I should have.  Because a couple months into our relationship, I got a phone call.  From his fiance.  I don’t know how she got my number, or how she found out about me.  I was oblivious to her.  She told me that they lived together, she was helping him get full custody of his son, and they were engaged to be married.

He had some explaining to do.  I skipped my classes that day and drove all the way from Mankato to the cities (remember, an hour and a half drive).  Because, you know, you can’t have a conversation on the phone or anything (stupid Heather).  We talked.  And talked, and talked some more.  What did he tell me?  That, yes, they had been engaged at some point, but he told her that he didn’t want to marry her long ago.  He was just waiting for her to move out.  Did I believe him?  Yep.  Sigh.  Because, well, he was just so darn good-looking!!  How could I not believe him??

Eventually she did move out.  I still don’t really know if he was telling me the truth, but I think deep down inside I do know the truth.  We stayed together for 5 years.  5 years way too long, because that relationship was doomed from the start.  5 years is way too long, and there are way too many details to go through in one post, but I’ll do my best to sum up the relationship.

It was terrible, and it was very toxic.  I didn’t trust him at all.  Maybe because of the way our relationship started, and maybe because of all the lies I caught him in.  After about a year and a half with him, I moved in with him.  By that time, he had gotten full custody of his son, so I basically became the live-in girlfriend/step-mom all at once.  Things were great at first.  But then I noticed some strange things.

He would get calls in the middle of the night sometimes.  He thought that by turning his phone on silent, I wouldn’t know.  But I wasn’t stupid.  I started going through his phone, and found a lot of names of guys that I didn’t know.  So what would any sane girlfriend do?  Start calling those numbers as a blocked number.  Yep.  I was that girlfriend.  And it turned out that “Alejandro” was actually a woman.  Same goes with “Pedro” and….well, you get the point.  The list went on.  I confronted him about it.  He said that it was probably just the wives of his friends.  I believed him.

Then I started going through his phone records (at least until he changed carriers so that he could do one of those “pay-as-you-go plans” with no call records).  I kept finding more and more evidence that there were other women, but he always found a convincing excuse.  Then, it happened.  There was one number that he was calling.  A lot.  Before work, on all his breaks, after work, during the times he left the house.  One phone conversation had gone on for more than 2 hours.  I knew something was up, but this time I didn’t confront him.  I called the bitch myself.  I told her everything about us.  I told her I lived with him.  I called her and bothered her nonstop.  I realize now what a psycho I was, but I was so angry.  Especially because it didn’t seem like she cared at all that she was ruining our relationship.  And he never admitted anything.

I left her mean messages, I taunted her, I threatened her – everything.  But she wouldn’t go away.  One day, she even said, “Tu novio es mi novio.” (Your boyfriend is my boyfriend)  So…Hispanic people like to share their partners??  No, obviously they don’t, but I was so confused.  He never ‘fessed up to anything….he only called me crazy.  We got in to huge fights, some even physically abusive.  He never touched my face, but a few times gave me terrible bruises on my legs, and once on my stomach (when he kicked me).  The abuse wasn't constant, as it happened only a few times, but enough to damage my self-esteem even more.

On our last Valentine’s Day together, we were apart.  I was expecting him to come home after work, but he never showed up.  I spent the entire night calling his phone (which was turned off).  I started calling her, but her phone was off too.  How could he do that to me on Valentine’s Day???  I was up the entire night, shaking, and crying.  His son was not there, thank God – it was actually his birthday, and he was spending the weekend with his mom.  When E finally did come home, the next afternoon, he told me that he had gotten drunk with his friends and stayed at one of his friend's houses.  And his cell phone battery died.  I'm sure you already know, but, I believed him.  I later found out, after going through his credit card records, that he had gone to Applebee’s and checked in to a motel, in a town about 2 hours away.  Lovely.

You’d think after all that, I would have left him.

I’m embarrassed to admit, that no, I did not leave him...willingly.  I only left because he forced me out of his house.  He said we can work on our relationship, but he couldn’t let me live there – not with his son.  After I moved out, we remained "friends," and I was hopeful that it would still work.  How stupid of me.  I eventually found out, through Facebook (I was good friends with his cousin), that he married this woman.  And the reason he wanted me out of the house?  She was pregnant.  So much for wanting me out because he wanted to work on things with me.  So he had been coming to see me, sleeping with me, everything….all the while he was getting married to this woman and having a baby with her. 

This "friends with benefits" relationship went on for about a year.  He never admitted anything (even though I told him I saw pictures of his new “baby” on Facebook – which he eventually deleted after I said that).  To this DAY, he does not admit anything.  And that’s what bothers me the most.  That he is such a coward and will not admit to what he did.  He only admits to the fact that he thinks I was crazy. 

I had gotten so tired of everything.  I started going out with my friends more.  One night in particular (about 2 years ago), I decided to go out dancing with a group of friends.  I had never been to this place, but it was a salsa club, so I was excited.  Oh the tangled webs I weave.  I should have known that you should never look into a serious relationship with a guy you meet in a club.  But this is me we’re talking about.  Yes, I got over E.  Because I met M on this night….

It’s Called a Break-Up Because It’s Broken (Part 3)

Thank you to everyone for the great comments and support.  It's been a little emotional reliving some of these relationships, even though I haven't gone in to too much detail.  But it has certainly brought back a lot of memories - a lot of them not so great.  One thing I'm getting from this, though, is that it's shedding some light on to how I got to where I am in regards to my weight and where I am in regards to my relationship status.  I'm really hoping this will help to bring me some peace.

Read Part One Here
Read Part Two Here

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A few months after my relationship with A ended, I met K.  Oh, how I wish I could take that relationship back.  We were so wrong for each other.  But as you know, my self-esteem was at an all-time low, and it had all started because of J.  After my breakup with A, it went spiraling down.  I hated the empty feeling I had, and I hated how I felt sick to my stomach all the time.  I needed to fill that empty feeling somehow.  During the summers and winter breaks of college, I had gone home and worked at a local warehouse, where I had worked in the summers during high school. 

I’m sure everyone knows – there are some real winners working in those warehouses.  One in particular – K – seemed different.  At least at the time.  He was African American, which wasn’t much of a big deal to me (or at least to anyone my age – we seem to be one of the first generations that accepts interracial relationships), but it was a HUGE deal to my parents.  At the time, I was 19 or 20.  He was 32.  Ew.  But I kept telling myself that age didn’t matter – love conquers all, right??  But I sure as hell didn't tell my parents his real age.  I lied, and said he was 25.

I did fill that void that A had left.  There were many weekends where I would drive all the way from Mankato (where I was going to school) to Minneapolis (where he lived) to spend the weekend with him - it was about an hour and a half drive.  He didn’t have a car (ugh), so I did most all of the driving.  He didn’t have much money, so all we really did was hole up in his tiny bedroom he was renting. 

My parents were furious, and so disappointed in me.  They couldn’t figure out why I resorted to something that I was above.  I just kept telling them that I’m no better than anyone else, and that it’s not fair to judge people.  I kept telling them they were hypocrites, because they always had told me that everyone should be created equal.  But they knew I was deserving of so much more.  I didn’t believe them.  I believed that if someone, anyone, liked me, all would be okay in the world.  I wouldn’t become an old cat lady, alone forever.  Couldn’t they see that??  Why weren’t they happy that I was happy?

But I was only fooling myself.  I wasn’t truly happy (and like always, Mom and Dad were right - ugh!!).  And I realized that only a few months later, when I met E.  My relationship with K fizzled as I got to know E more, and I eventually broke it off with K to start a relationship with E.

At the time, E seemed like a winner.  Sure, he was Hispanic, but he had his stuff together.  He made good money, and owned a house in a nice neighborhood.  Little did I know, he wasn’t the only one living in that house….

It’s Called a Break-Up Because It’s Broken (Part 2)

Read Part One Here

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This was it.  The moment of truth.  Had I just humiliated myself?  I started to second-guess myself.  Why the hell did I tell her to tell him that I liked him??  What if he laughed?  How am I ever going to show my face again?  There was a brief moment of wondering if I should transfer schools. 

“He likes you!” she exclaimed.  “And he thinks you’re really cute!  But…”

Um, what did she mean “but?”  There’s no “but” if someone likes you and thinks you’re really cute!!!

“He has a girlfriend.”

BOOM.  That was my world coming to an end.  But how could he like me and have a girlfriend at the same time?  What kind of guy says that??  What a scum bag!

“He said she’s really mean to him, and that he was planning on breaking up with her.”

So that was that.  He liked me, and I liked him, but he was unavailable.  Even though he was planning on breaking up with her, he was still off-limits.  A month or so passed, and he still had not broken up with her.  I figured it was over for him and I – they probably made up and wouldn’t be breaking up.

Then I found out that they did break up.  I had to do something, but I didn’t know what.  By that time, everyone and their mother knew about my crush, and everyone knew he liked me back.  My friends were getting fed up, so one day in my psychology class, my friend Sarah casually asked him if he wanted to go to a movie with all of us that Friday night.  He said yes!!

We went to see 8 Mile, and to be honest, I remember absolutely nothing about that movie.  I do remember the scene where Eminem and Brittany Murphy were having sex.  That was a little awkward.  Like really awkward.  Yep.

After a while, we became inseparable.  We did everything together, and we did go to prom together.  Everything seemed to be going fine.  That is, until I realized what a jealous girlfriend I could be.

He was quite the social butterfly – quite opposite of me, actually.  He was friends with everyone – he was even voted “Everyone’s Friend.”  But every girl he talked to, I got more and more jealous.  I didn’t like that he was giving someone else attention.  Did that mean he was getting sick of me?  Maybe I wasn’t pretty enough.  Maybe my old crush, J, was right – maybe I was ugly. 

I’d like to say that I changed and saw the light.  I didn’t.  Our relationship only got worse, and during the summer after our freshman year in college, we broke up.  It was terrible.  I spent about a month begging him to come back to me.  I did everything I could.  I wrote him 7 page letters, about how I loved him and how I could change.  I showed up at his house several times to talk to him.  I called him 354354354354 times.  I even sank to my knees in an empty parking lot at midnight and cried out to him.  Yep, that’s real attractive, and I’m sure he was just trying to hold himself back from me. 

I had absolutely no pride left.  I still had hope 2 months later, until I saw his car drive by my parents’ house (it was a jeep that the top comes off), and I saw a blonde girl’s hair waving in the wind.  My heart broke.  I couldn’t believe it.  He replaced me, and I wasn’t good enough.  I wasn't pretty enough.

“I’m going to die alone,” I thought.  “I’m never going to get married, and I’ll end up an old cat lady.”

I was miserable, and so terrified that I would never find anyone else.  That is, until a few months later, when I met K…

It’s Called a Break-Up Because It’s Broken (Part 1)

I mentioned last week that I’d be starting a series here on the blog.  I wasn't sure if I wanted to recap my run yesterday (it didn't go so well), or start the series.  I may do another post later today.

This series is entitled “It’s Called a Break-Up Because It’s Broken.”  In the last month or so…maybe longer…my love life has waned.  A lot.  In the past several years, my confidence in finding one person to spend my life with has dropped down to about 0%.  I have found wrong man after wrong man.  And I have stayed in those relationships, wasted time, and tortured myself.  Not only that, but all the break-ups were very messy break-ups.  I go from blog to blog, reading about everyone's love stories, or reading about the everyday happenings of the women with their husbands and children.  I don't have that yet.  This girl does not have a love story - at 27 years old (it's not like I'm 18 anymore).  I believe that there’s a connection between my terrible relationships and my weight – my low self-esteem.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.  Let’s start at the beginning.

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In high school, I was one of those girls who hadn’t had a boyfriend yet.  Sure, I had crushes on many many many boys.  But I was always too shy to say anything.  I was the nerd with the glasses and braces.  Surely, no one would want me.  One of my crushes even proved it to me. 

There was a guy that I used to dance with  (no, he was not gay).  All the girls had a crush on him.  He eventually grew out of his dancing stage (thank God, he wasn’t even that good), and quit dance.  This was in about 7th grade.  I had a crush on him all throughout high school (one of my many crushes – I didn’t crush on just one guy at a time, I had to keep my options open).  That is until the end of sophomore year.
I was in the same math class as him.  I remember it was the last class of the day, and we were all packing our backpacks and waiting for the bell to ring so we could go home.  He was in ear shot of me, so I could hear a conversation going on that he had with another guy.  Of course I pretended I couldn’t hear him, but he noticed me, and he knew I was listening.  And what did he say to his friend?

“God, she’s ugly,” he said.
”Who?” asked his friend.
”Heather.”
”Gee, you’re such a nice guy J.”

I was crushed.  Mind you, now that I look back on it, I think he was one of the ugliest people I had ever seen.  His face was weird.  I really think I only liked him because it was “cool” for us dancers to like him.  But at the time, it really broke my spirit.  I had never thought of myself as ugly.  That was the first time that thought ever crossed my mind.  This is one of the most vivid memories I have of high school, and it sucks.  From then on, I was convinced that I was “ugly,” and that no one would ever want me.

Fast forward to senior year.  There was this guy….I had never really noticed him, until our first day of senior year.  We’ll call him A.  Over the summer, A had gone to boot camp for the Army.  Before then, he was always pretty heavy.  But boy oh boy, when he came back senior year….WHOA!  He was a HOTTIE.  I told all my friends I liked him, specifically the girls on the dance team.  We loved talking about our “crushes” at practice, and this was no exception.  Everyone thought it was really cute, and that we would make a really cute couple.

Then one day in choir, my friend Jessie was sitting next to him.  I wasn’t there, I was across the room, but apparently she hinted to A that someone had a crush on him.  He insisted on knowing.  But she wouldn’t tell.  Not without my blessing of course.  I told her the next day that I had no problem if she told him that it was me.  This could be my chance!  My first boyfriend!  And lord knows I needed a date to the prom.  Nevermind that it was still 7 months away – but you know high school.  It was every girl’s worst nightmare to go to prom without a date!!  Yes, the world would most certainly end if I did not have a date to that prom.  And I had no guy friends, really…what the heck was I going to do????

So, the next day, Jessie told him who it was that liked him.  After school at dance team practice, she came up to tell me what he said….

20 Minutes

I decided I am still going to link-up with Katie and Kim today, despite the tragic events that occurred yesterday.  I still am in shock.  Running is something that I have been increasingly enjoying, and I can't imagine the emotions one must go through just to finish a marathon.  But for those who make it to the Boston Marathon - after all that sweat, blood, and tears - it is extra special.  And for someone to take that moment away from these runners is absolutely sick.  But it also made me see what a great community these runners have created.  After yesterday's events, I am proud to call myself a runner, and last night, I ran for Boston.

Yesterday was Week 5 Day 3.  If any of you have done C25K, you probably know exactly which day I'm talking about.  The day you go from running 8 minutes, to running 20 minutes straight - no stopping.  As I got on the treadmill, I couldn't help but tear up as I saw CNN blasting on all the TV's at the gym.  How sad to see those runners crossing the finish line, and most of them not being able to finish at all.  I was sad, and I was angry.  But I started my workout.

I wasn't expecting great things to happen.  20 minutes running is a long time, and before I started this program, I had never ever (like ever) considered running for that long of a time.  But I figured I'd just do what I could.  I would at least run 8 minutes, and if I wanted to stop, I could.

As soon as I heard "begin running," I was off.  I turned up my music, and I zoned out.  5 minutes passed, then 8 minutes.  I thought to myself, "This isn't so bad - I could probably do at least 10 minutes."

10 minutes passed, and I was still okay.  I looked up at the screen just then, and the words I saw on the screen broke my heart - 8 Year Old Boy One of the Victims Dead.  Ugh!  I turned up the speed on the treadmill, and I turned up my music.  15 minutes passed.

"Come on, Heather.  Only 5 more minutes.  You can do this!!"

At this point, my breathing started getting heavy.  I could feel the sweat dripping down my back, and then down my pants (you're welcome).  

"You're not going to die.  You can keep moving.  Only 3 minutes left!!"

It felt like those last 3 minutes went on for an eternity.  2 minutes, 1 minute - 30 seconds!!!  

I ran for 20 minutes.

To say that I'm proud of myself is an understatement.  Running is not only changing me physically, but emotionally and mentally as well.  I truly do know what people are talking about now when they say that running is like therapy.  When someone said that to me before, I laughed.  Who the hell would think of running as therapy??  More like TORTURE!! 

No, it is therapy.  Now I understand.  Now I'm a runner.

Couch to 5K Update

I've been a bad blogger friend, and haven't responded to any comments lately, or done much commenting on other blogs.  So sorry!  Things will get back to normal eventually.  I've just been overwhelmed in all areas of my life lately.  Things will be back to normal soon - promise!

On to Couch to 5K.  Last week, I was terrified.  I was able to do the 5/3/5/3/5 workout - on the treadmill. So when Day 2 came around (8/5/8), on the track, I was a little skeptical, and was doubting myself.  Guys...

I DID THE ENTIRE WORKOUT.  WITHOUT STOPPING!!!!!

I was so shocked!  The first 8 minutes, I kept looking at my phone to check how many minutes I had left.  It was not because I was tired.  Just for curiosity sake.  When I looked down at my phone the last time, and saw 25 seconds left, tears stung my eyes.  And I said, out loud, "Oh my God, I did it."  I had the biggest smile on my face.  I didn't care who heard me talking to myself.  I didn't care who saw the ridiculous smile on my face.  I was so proud of myself.

The five minutes walking was glorious.  I noticed that it did not take as much time to recover as in the past.  Progress!

 Then the next 8 minute run came.  I was still a little tired.  I wanted to stop a few times.  But I told myself no.

"You need to push yourself past your comfort zone - that's when you make progress."

I remember reading this so many times, and I kept repeating this to myself, over and over.  And I did it.

I couldn't believe myself, and what my body was capable of doing.  My knee pain is gone.  I don't sound like someone having an asthma attack anymore.  My legs don't cramp when I run anymore.

I'm getting stronger.

C25K works.  I had so much doubt in myself during weeks 3 and 4.  I couldn't even run 3 minutes.  Then that became easy, but then I couldn't run 5 minutes.  Now I'm running 8 minutes.  It's not easy, but it's at least a little comfortable.

Today is going to be a big jump.  20 minutes of running.  No walking.  But I have faith that, even if I do have to stop, I'll get through next week - stronger than ever.  What an awesome feeling.    :)

A Blessing in Disguise

Hello all!  Sorry for the no blogging sprinkled with depressing as hell posts.  I'm slowly getting out of this funk.  And I have to say, running is what is pulling me out of it.  I never thought I'd say this, but I really look forward to my runs.  I'm excited to run.  Tuesday I did day 1 of week 5 of the C25K program.  5 minutes jogging, 3 minutes walking, 5 minutes jogging, 3 minutes walking, and then 5 minutes jogging.  And wouldn't you know?  I did it.  Granted, I did it on the treadmill, but I remember not even being able to run for a minute on the treadmill.  I seriously think I experienced my first runner's high.  Which may be a little lame, considering it's not a long distance, but it was for me.  I was so proud of myself.  I loved the feeling of the sweat dripping off of me.  LOVED it.  And lately, I've been feeling just a little bit giddy and on top of the world.  I AM capable of doing this, and I AM capable of anything.  I am capable of being happy - I don't need a guy to be happy.  And really?  This break-up is a blessing in disguise.  More on that later.

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So, Minnesota woke up to this, this morning.

Sigh.  Seriously - when will Spring be here?  Last year at this time, it was in the 70's.  Granted, that's not normal for Minnesota either, but it was certainly lovely.  Last night, it rained/sleeted, which put a nice 2-3 inch coating of ice on the roads before it started snowing.  I was terrified for my life driving in to work.  Now, it's about 35 degrees, and all the snow and ice is melting - which means a ton of slush and puddles everywhere.  Oh, how I love MinneSNOWta.  What a difference a week makes.

Yes, I took that picture on my walk in 50 degree weather last week.

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In other news, I did a little shopping this past weekend.  I decided that I would go to the outlet mall, rather than the regular mall I typically go to.  I couldn't believe the number of stores there.  I guess I never really went there because 1. It's pretty far, and 2. I just thought the stores wouldn't be that great.  I didn't have a lot of time to shop, so I'm definitely planning on another trip there soon.  A top I picked out from Maurices....

Yes, I know I have big boobs.  But I'm loving the defined waist.  I still have a little bit of my love handles, but they're certainly diminishing.  Love it!  Dare I say, I'm looking forward to that damn B of a scale on the 30th?  I have NOT peeked at my weight, and I don't plan on it.  But I'm really curious to see what I weigh right now.

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That's it for today.  I'm thinking my series will start on Monday.  I've already uploaded Part 1 and Part 2 as drafts - all I have to do is click "Publish."  But I figured with all the seriousness and lack of blogging lately, it'd be best to wait until next week.  

Make it a great one! 

Cursed In Love

Sorry for no posting lately.  I'm really feeling down.  My boyfriend, or whatever he is, and I have been on-again, off-again for a while now.  We're in our "off-again" phase at the moment, and I'm pretty sure he went out with another girl last night.  He won't tell me.  I think I at least deserve that.

Sigh.  I just don't have anything positive to say right now, so I'll keep it at that.  I'm still here, and I'm still training for the 5K.  I'm just sick to my stomach all the time.  I don't know what I did in my past life that I'm so cursed in love.

Happy hump day.  Hope your day is going better than mine, heh.

A New Series....

Wow, I can't believe it's 3:30 already!  Today has flown by.  And I was all worried that today would go slow, seeing how excited I am to go to Flashdance tonight (full recap to come next week)!

Annnnddd....I didn't workout yesterday.  Didn't even step foot in the gym.  Normally I'm the one to tell you there are no excuses, but I do have an excuse.  It's such a big excuse, that I've decided to start a series on it next week.  I thought I'd follow the blogger "trend of the moment" and start my own series.  I don't want to tell you what it is, because I don't want to give it away.  Expect that to come next week too!  I'll also be working on my blog as much as possible this weekend.  Get excited.

That's all I have for now, because I have way too much to do, and only an hour left to do it!!  Have a great weekend!

Flashdance

Hello hello!  It's Thursday, and the only thing I wish in the world right now is that it was Friday instead of Thursday.  Why?  Because I'm going to see THIS tomorrow.....

Guys!  You can not imagine how excited I am.  If you've been reading my blog, you know I've been a dancer since I was 3 years old.  Flashdance is one of those required movies you are supposed to love as a dancer.  And now it's a musical on Broadway.  And I'm going to see it tomorrow night!!!!!!!!!!!!  My mom and her friend get season tickets to the Orpheum Theater in Minneapolis every year, and my mom decided to get an extra ticket for this one.  Score!  I'll be heading downtown right away after work to go to dinner first, and then we'll be heading to the show at 8.  Can't wait!!

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In other news, I'm so tempted to step on the scale.  I've been doing really good lately.  Like really good.  I have been achieving more than a 500 calorie deficit every day.  I've also been drinking the required amount of water every day.  I even said "no" when my boyfriend offered me some of his orange pop yesterday....

Mmmm, orange pop.  Just like crack.  Seeing as I turned that down, I'd say it's a huge accomplishment.  I haven't even had ANY pop this week.  Go me!

It's looking more and more like I'll be able to get those Ruffles & Fringe headbands for my rewards this week!  I've been waiting FOREVER to get those, and wasn't able to because I never made it to my first goal weight.  Kicking the scale to the curb has been the best thing I've done, honestly.  Rewarding yourself for good habits is much better, and much more motivating.  To me, anyway.

Another reward I have in my mind for next month?  I've been reading a bunch of blogs today with that purse linkup, and I've seen a LOT of Coach purses.  And now I have it in my head that I really want one.  So, yes, I'll be including that in my rewards for next month!  And I will be going to an outlet store near me, rather than paying full price.  Those things are expensive!

That's all I have for today.  I'll be running today for my workout.  Day 3 of Week 4 Couch to 5K.  My goal is to make it through each 5 minute run.  I'll be reporting back tomorrow!  Make it a great one!

Really Quick Recap

Oops!  Almost forgot to post today.  Work has been a little busy - which is a good thing!

A little recap of C25K yesterday - I did Day 2 of Week 4.  If you remember from last week, I have to run 5 minutes straight two times.  The first time, I made it fine.  I was a little wiped out, but I kept looking at my phone to see how much time I had left, and I kept telling myself it wasn't so bad.  That it was all in my head.  And I made it the ENTIRE 5 minutes!  I was so happy.  Then I had to run for 3 minutes after a walk break.  That was a little tough.  I almost didn't make it.  I kept telling myself "just run until you get to the  corner."  When I got to the corner, I saw I didn't have much time left, so I persuaded myself to just keep going to the end.  And I did.  I was proud of myself, but by that time, I was beat.

The next 5 minute run started, and I made it about a minute and a half.  My legs were cramping like mad.  I was a little angry with myself, but after walking a minute and a half, I convinced myself to run for the last two minutes.  That two minutes felt like an eternity.  I was exhausted.  But I made it through.

My goal for the next workout is to make it all the way through each 5 minute run.  I know I can do this - I just need to shut off my brain and concentrate on something else.  I tend to tell myself I can't do it, and lots of other negative stuff.  Turning up my music helps a little.  But it's a process.  I know I'll get better!

Sorry for the quick and sort of bad storytelling today.  Work calls!  And can I say, today is the first time in a while that I'm excited to go to the gym tonight!  It's Core Fit, and then my favorite Turbo Step class (with my fav instructor)!  I even went for a quick walk this afternoon!  I'm so full of energy and in a good mood.  Love it!

Make it a great one!

NOT Better n' Peanut Butter

Hello everybody - it's Tuesday, and that means it's time for the weekly link-up with Katie and Kim.

I told you a while back that, starting April 1, a new class would be offered at the gym I go to - R.I.P.P.E.D. And to be 100% honest?  It wasn't as great as it was hyped up to be.  Yes, it was tough, and I sweat a LOT.  But athletic-based workouts just are not my cup of tea.  I'm a dancer, so I LOVE the dance-y step classes.  And I have found my favorite step instructor EVER at this gym (her classes are on Wednesdays and Saturdays).  But this RIPPED class focuses on resistance training, intervals, plyometrics, power, endurance, and diet.  There's a lot of variety, and it would be great if the athletic-type workouts were my style.  But sadly they're not.  And my knees were killing me during the plyometrics.  I'm thinking that combining this with running and step would not be a good idea.  Way too much high impact.  So, sadly, that was my first and probably last class.  But if you prefer those high energy and athletic workouts, this class is for you, and you should definitely give it a try!

The rest of this week will be pretty much the same as any other week.  I'll be doing the 4th week over again for C25K.  I may just start with day 2, do day 3 on Thursday, and start week 5 on Sunday.  We'll see how this running for 5 minutes goes.  Here's the plan for the week (still trying to figure out what to do for strength training - not sure I want to continue with the BodyPump).

M - Core Fit + RIPPED

T - C25K

W - Core Fit + Turbo Step

Th - C25K (and maybe BodyPump)

F - Off

Sa - Turbo Step

Su - C25K

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Yesterday I did my grocery shopping for the week, and I remembered that I was out of peanut butter.  I normally go grocery shopping at Trader Joe's, and I LOVE their peanut butter, but last night I was at Super Target.  I was in the aisle with the peanut butter, and noticed Better 'N Peanut Butter.  I had heard lots of people on IG and blogland talking about it, so thought I'd give it a try.  It has less calories and fat than natural, so why not?

That shit was NASTY!!!  Blech...never again!  I'll stick to my main squeeze, natural Trader Joe's PB.  Give me the extra fat and calories, as long as it doesn't taste like butt hole!

That's it for today, folks!  Make it a great one!

April Goals

Sorry for the no post on Friday.  I had the day off, and I thoroughly enjoyed it.  I spent the day doing my million loads of laundry and sitting around doing absolutely nothing.  It was glorious.

And it's confession time - I didn't work out at all this weekend.  The last time I worked out was actually Wednesday.  And do you know what that means?  I only did one day of C25K last week (Tuesday).  Ooops.  So I've set myself a week back.  Which is okay, but it doesn't really leave much room for any other screw-ups, or doing a certain week twice if needed.  I need to be spot-on.  This 5K is only 6 weeks away.  I'm excited, and really nervous.  It's hard imagining myself running the whole 5K seeing as I can't even run for 5 minutes straight.  But I know I'll get there.  Eventually.

So last week I broke up with the scale.  I have not weighed myself at all since Wednesday.  Well, wait...I actually weighed myself Thursday, and I saw that I gained yet again.  What the....?????  Sigh.  So I was quite happy putting that B in the closet.  Since I'm not weighing myself, I figured I would reward myself based on my behavior.  I came up with a plan this weekend, and here are my April goals.

They look a lot like March's goals, except for a few differences.  One difference is that there is no "weight" goal.  Like I said, I'll be rewarding my behaviors, and I'll be doing it weekly, which is why I've made my April goals in to a weekly format.  The following are my rewards for reaching each of the weekly goals above.  

If I hit my weekly goals for the week, then I get to reward myself with the weekly reward for that week on Sunday!  For the deficit piece (500 calorie deficit, 5 out of 7 days), I have to stay at "maintenance," and not have a calorie surplus the other 2 days of the week in order to get that week's reward (in other words, no going crazy the other 2 days - I still need to watch what I'm doing).  And here's the kicker - I can only get that last week's reward if I was able to reward myself for the first 3 weeks.  So if I slip up and don't get to reward myself one week, no workout outfit from Lululemon for me.  And I really want that outfit!!  

Another difference from the March goals, is that I'm working towards a calorie deficit.  You're probably wondering how I would know I'm at a deficit if I only track how many calories I burn during exercise.  Well, enter BodyMedia Fit.

I've actually had the BodyMedia Fit for quite a while, but haven't been using it.  Mainly because it's not very fashionable, and I hated that it brought a lot of attention to myself.  But I dug it out a couple weeks ago, and have been wearing it since.  I love that I can sync it with MyFitness Pal, so I don't need to enter my food in another location - it just syncs up throughout the day!

One thing that disturbs me is that I don't burn very many calories in a day.  That's to be expected, seeing as I have a desk job.  But it was still surprising, nonetheless.  With the amount of calories I burn in a day, it would be impossible to have a deficit of 1,000 in order to lose 2 pounds per week (because I'd be eating a little under 1200 calories).  For now, I'm going to work on a 500 calorie deficit on a consistent basis.  As time goes on, I want to work on getting that daily burn up by getting up and moving around more, and going on daily walks.  

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Whew!  That was a long post.  I have some more interesting and fun things planned for this little old blog in the next couple weeks.  Let's just call it Spring Cleaning - blog style.    :)       And I'm not just talking about the looks.  But I'm excited and feeling rejuvenated with this new month, and the possibilities that this new plan brings.  Happy April!