Never Give Up

Sigh.  Well, here we are - middle of February, and I haven't blogged since the last day of 2013.  To say I've been busy would be an understatement.  I feel like I haven't had any time for myself, whatsoever.  My life has basically revolved around other people, which, is kind of contrary to one of my resolutions.

But it can only go up from here.  Every week I've been telling myself - I'll start this week.  I'll start exercising - weight training, and training for that 10K and 1/2 Marathon I resolved to do.  Nope.  Hasn't happened yet.  I've been doing the best I can (well, probably not) at trying to plan my meals and eating healthy.  But there certainly is room for improvement.  Especially seeing as I weigh the same as I did the last time I blogged - which happens to be my highest weight ever.  Oops.

It just is not clicking for me.  But all I can do is keep trying - right?

Anyway.  Now that I got that off my chest, that is all.     :)

I'm hoping I'll be able to update more often.  I can't promise anything, but I'll certainly try!  Have a great Valentine's Day!!

2014 Resolutions

I have good reason for not posting much.  A reason that rocked me to my core on Christmas Eve morning.  I don't want to get in to the nitty gritty details, but M was taken by immigration officers at around 7:30, Christmas Eve morning.  To say I was devastated was an understatement.  I spent the holidays crying, not able to eat.  To make a long story short, his family came up with the money ($15,000) to get him out for now.  The next few months will be spent in the courts, fighting to let him stay with his family.

Immigration reform needs to happen, and it needs to happen fast.  So many people try so hard to come here legally, but the law, both here and in their home countries, makes it impossible.  Living the American dream is something that does not come easy for these people, and I never really understood it until now.  You don't know what it's like until you live it with someone else.  Taking people from their families is not okay.  Especially when 95% of these people have no criminal record, other than wanting a better life for themselves and for their families.  But it's a risk they're willing to take, because life in their home country is 10 times worse than living here in fear.  The real criminals are the ones working for the government, tearing these people apart from their children and their families.  Those are the real criminals to me.  Especially the two men that took M - they seemed to get a sick pleasure doing it.  Taunting him, telling him he's going back to his country.  These people make me sick.  But karma will come to them.  I know it.

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Okay, now that I got that out, it's time to talk resolutions.  My last post, I went over my resolutions for 2013.  This year, I'm really hunkering down.  I'll be back to blogging every day, and working my butt off.  I've had enough drama- and failure-filled years.  It's time to turn over a new leaf, and live the best year for me.  No more worrying about others - it's time to focus on me.  So here we go....

ONE.

Stop worrying about what other people think or feel (within reason of course - I'm not going to become heartless, here...ha!).  I waste too much of my energy doing what other people think is right.  Caring too much about how others will feel if I do something I want to do.  It's time to get selfish, and worrying about what will make me happy.  Not what will make others happy.

TWO.

Lose 40 pounds.  I'm putting a number on it this year.  Last year I just said I wanted to "lose weight."  Now, I'm saying I want to lose 40 pounds, which will bring me to 125 pounds.  This was not my ultimate goal weight, but I've decided that this will be my goal for 2014.  So I have 12 months to lose 40 pounds - perfectly reasonable.

THREE.

Run a 10K.  Yep.  I'm getting back in to running.  I've even picked out the 10K I want to run - it will be the Turtle Fest 5K & 10K in Perham, MN (it's not too far from my cabin, so it's a great location for me - free lodging!!).  Race day is June 21.

FOUR.

Run a 1/2 Marathon.  I have officially gone crazy.  But I want to get in to running again.  And I think this is the way to do it.  I'm pushing myself past my comfort zone - that's the only way to do it.  More details will be coming about my training plans and other races I plan to attend throughout the year, right here on my blog!   :)   1/2 Marathon day will be July 20.

FIVE.

Eat clean.  I've spent too much time going back and forth with my diet.  Eat paleo.  Eat a certain number of calories.  Low carb.  Only fruits and vegetables.  No meats on certain days of the week.  I can eat what I want, but watch my portions (yeah, like that's ever worked for me, ha!).  ENOUGH!  2014 is the year I'm embarking on a clean eating journey.  Time to stop treating my body like a trash can, and give it the proper fuel it needs to run those races!!!   :)

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There ya have it!  I've got a big year ahead of me, and it's looking pretty amazing!!  Happy New Year to all of you!

I Still Haven't Gone Christmas Shopping...

Hey hey, it's Monday.  You know what that means....

I was so tired today, I only got about 5 hours of sleep last night.  Not.  Funny.

Other than that, it was a good day.  Busy.  Which is good.    :)

This weekend was a good one.  Friday night I went to watch M play volleyball.  It can get a little boring, but still fun to go.  We got to his house at about 11:00 and went straight to bed, we were both tired.

Saturday we did a little shopping, and then went to see Hunger Games!

I've been wanting to see this movie so bad since it came out, and we finally got the chance to see it.  I thought it was even better than the first, and even though I read the book and knew what was going to happen, it still kept me on the edge of my seat.  Not to mention, Jennifer Lawrence is awesome!!  Love her.

After the movie we went to his house again and lounged around a bit.  There was a birthday party going on for his cousin, so we enjoyed some of that food.  Then we went out dancing.  It's been quite a while since we've gone dancing.  I really wasn't looking forward to it - those kinds of places are not my cup of tea (low self-esteem problems - no way is he not wishing I looked like all the girls with their booties hanging out there, ha!).  But I actually had a pretty good time.  Though, I always need a drink in me before I can let loose.    ;)    I'm glad we went.

Sunday we watched the Vikings beat the Eagles (woo-hoo!).  Too bad they weren't winning games earlier in the season - we maybe would have made it to the play-offs.  Womp womp.  Oh well.  There's always next year (us Vikings fans say that every year).  

Sunday night we headed over to volleyball again, and got to his house around 11:30.  Of course, there was another party going on (not sure what for....he lives with his family, which is very normal for his culture), and everyone was playing cards.  I just ate and went to sleep.  I was way too tired to stay awake.  But everyone was laughing so loud it was hard to sleep.  I finally fell asleep when everyone left at about 1:30.    :(     6:00 came way too early.....it's an early night for this girl tonight!!

All of that, and I still have 0 presents under the Christmas tree.   !!!   Ugh, talk about stress.  I have no idea how I"m going to survive the next week.  Shopping at this time of year is a nightmare.  Oh well, it will all be over soon enough, and then I'll be getting ready for my New Year's Resolutions!!!  I'm excited to share them with everyone.

Hope everyone else had a good weekend!  

Where To Start?

It's obvious I haven't been blogging much lately, and it's also obvious that I've fallen off the "weight-loss train".  I still read blogs daily - that will never change.  And I want to continue to blog.  It's just that, lately, I feel like I don't even know where to start back up?  Like, what should I talk about?  I've already done introductions of myself and all that - I just don't know where to pick up where I left off.  I don't want to keep coming back here every couple weeks just to give an "update" and "I'm still alive" post.  That's boring.

Then I started thinking...well, Christmas is coming up.  And so is 2014.  The end of 2013 is getting closer and closer.  I still can't believe this year is almost over.  I feel like it was just yesterday that I was writing my resolutions post for 2013.

So how about I pick up with that?  Let's review my resolutions that I had set out for 2013.  2013 was an okay year.  It seems every year, I eagerly welcome the new year, and say good riddance to the past year.  I don't think this past year was much different.  I did have a few ups, but also a few downs, just like anyone else.  And I'm excited to get this year over with.

That's no way to live your life.  I feel like I'm not living to my full potential, and not completely living...get what I'm saying?  Maybe it's that pesky quarter-life crisis.  2014 will be my last year in my 20s.

Yikes!  That's a scary thought.  So, um....let's not think about that right now.  Ignorance is bliss.    :)

What I'm trying to say is, I want to make 2014 the best year of my life.  I'm not trying to be cliche.  I'm serious.  This year is the year I'm going to do something about my life (I sound like Dr. Phil). 

 

But I'm getting ahead of myself.  Where were we?  Oh yes - 2013.

My resolutions for this year were...

Run my first 5K - A+!!  Read about my experience here.  I still remember how great I felt while I was training.  I felt on top of the world.  Even though I wasn't losing weight (which was my fault - I felt like I could eat whatever I wanted since I was running), I started to feel so confident in myself.  I want that feeling back.  

Reach my goal weight - Big, fat F.  Not only did I not lose weight, I gained a good 10 pounds since the beginning of the year.  I'm at my highest weight ever.  That's all I'm going to say about that....right now.

Complete the X-Train Series - A!  I had really good momentum going in to the new year.  I was consistent with working out, both in my running and the X-Train series.  I was super proud of myself.  But like you all know already - I lost momentum and have not been consistent since my 5K in the spring.

Get my budget under control - Um, I'd probably give myself a B-.  I managed to pay off two credit cards (Target and Maurices), and have two more to go (New York and Company and Victorias Secret).  I'll probably be paying my VS off for a while, but NY& Co. should be paid off within the next couple of months.  I was stupid and started getting out of control when it came to the credit cards.  Lesson learned.  I managed to get an increase in pay with the new job, and I was able to save money throughout the year.  Not bad., but could have been better.

Create a cleaning schedule/household notebook - C for effort.  I tried.  I'm just not a clean person (bahaha).  Really, though, I did have a few attempts, but I never managed to stick to it.  Notice that I have a problem staying consistent?

There ya have it.  Though I did accomplish a few things, I feel like 2013 could have been a better year.  And looking back now, I wish I would have set some better goals.  This year will be different.  

My new year's resolution post will be up soon!  Now go enjoy your weekend!!   :D

Oh Hi There

Oy vey.  I just can not seem to get back on to the health train, can I?  It's been almost a month since I last posted - time sure flies!!

So a little update is in order.  First, I'm LOVING my new job!!  Seriously.  It keeps me busy, and the days just FLY by.  I love it when that happens.  At my old job, I was twiddling my thumbs already at 10:00, and counting down the hours, minutes, seconds until it was time to go home.  It made for a really long day, and not to mention, I got in a pretty bad habit of running to the vending machine multiple times a day (out of boredom), especially after they put Avanti markets in our cafeteria (it's like a convenience store for corporations).  Bad news bears right there.

But here?  I usually don't have time to eat a snack, or I completely forget about it altogether!!  We also have no vending machines here, which I think is a good thing.  Because I just can't control myself around those things.  We do have free soda in the fridge, but it's not my favorite (Pepsi, and the rest are diet), so I hardly ever drink it.

Thanksgiving was great.  I went to my parents' house, as usual, and spent Thanksgiving with the 'rents, my brother, his wife, and my niece and nephew.  Small gathering, but I like it that way.

Now I'm looking forward to Christmas!!  Well, not spending money.  My bank account is starting to look mighty small.  Hoping I get at least a little Christmas bonus, even though I just started a couple months ago!

On the healthy eating front, I'd maybe give myself a B-.  I'm certainly still trying, with my planning and prepping (some weeks).  But some days, I just don't want what I packed in my lunch.  Especially when I plan the same lunch every single day.  It's just hard living alone to be able to have a different lunch every day.  I feel like a lot of food would go to waste.  

Dinners lately I've been having Shakeology!  Yep, I bit the bullet and got that expensive stuff.  I've only had it a few days now.  I have it at night, because the first day I had it for breakfast, I was so tired come 1:00.  I seriously just wanted to collapse at my desk and do absolutely nothing.  Not sure where the energy comes from that everyone raves about - I sure don't get it.  That's why I have it at night, and I usually wake up pretty refreshed in the morning!!  It also helps my grocery bill, since I don't have to worry about dinners.   :)

The fitness front, I'm giving myself an F.  Yeah.  It's non-existent.  I come up with such great plans, and when the day comes to start it, I don't do it.  Then a day turns into a week, and weeks turn in to months......you get the picture.  I really need to get with the program and get motivated again.  I just don't know what to do.

Especially now with the weather getting bad.  It took me more than an hour to get home the last few nights because of snow.  Ugh!!!  Let the winter driving begin.    :(     It's going to suck.  By the time I get home, I want nothing to do with working out.  All I want to do is put on my PJ's and snuggle up on the couch to watch a Christmas movie.

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That's it for now.  A little disappointing that I don't have anything motivating for you, but that's life.  I know things will turn around eventually.  As long as I keep trying!

Happy Friday!

Crossing My Legs

I've always heard of women complaining about not being able to cross their legs.  I've also heard the "NSV" stories of girls who could finally cross their legs after losing X amount of weight.  Truth be told, I've never really understood this.

Ever since I could remember, I've always been able to cross my legs.  But lately?  No.  It's really uncomfortable, and my lower leg typically sticks out so far, it almost looks like I'm crossing them in a "manly" way (you know how men cross their legs, with their ankle on top of their thigh).  Now I can finally sympathize with those women.  And I don't like it.

So on top of the weight gain this year, now I can not cross my legs.  Well, I can, but like I said - it hurts, and it's uncomfortable.  This is so disappointing to me, as I've always had great legs (from dance).  I've always gotten compliments, people telling me I have great legs.  Well, not anymore.

I realize that pretty much all my posts lately have been Debbie Downer, and I've been talking about how I need to make a change.  But I haven't made a change.  I have, however, made a plan.  A plan that is realistic.  A plan that will make these Debbie Downer posts disappear.

And most of all, a plan that will get my legs crossing again.


To Be Continued...

This Is Me, Right Now

I've gone back and forth about whether or not I really wanted to publish a post like this.  But things don't seem to be getting any better, so it's time to fess up and come clean.

I've stopped blogging recently.  A couple reasons for that - obviously, the new job.  But the other reason, I'm not too proud of.  I've gained more weight.  I've been hovering between 162 and 165 for the past several weeks.

Initially, I didn't know why.  Although I stopped going to the gym, I didn't think I was eating that terribly.  But I was wrong.

It's embarrassing coming here and having to admit that, after meeting my goal of running my first 5K, and having so much momentum in the beginning of 2013, I am now way worse off than where I started.  I've gained a good 15 pounds since the beginning of the year - a little more than that.  I was so happy to finally be in the 140s, a place I find so hard to get to, but I didn't stay there long.

A little treat here, a little treat there.  I had vowed not to have such an unhealthy eating style, and didn't want to deprive myself - but I ended being way too lenient with myself and ended up where I am today, in the 160s.

My highest. Weight. Ever.

Not only has this weight thing completely brought my self esteem down, but it has seemed to bring my age up.  I mentioned I got a new job, and just last week, one of my new co-workers was asking me questions, trying to get to know me a little better.  She asked me when I graduated high school, because she thought I looked around the same age as her.

Ummm, she is 40.  I'm not even 30 yet.  WTF??!!  Obviously that was an awkward moment.  I just wanted to run away and cry.  I know that part of the reason I look older is because I'm so overweight and unhealthy.

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I started this blog to document my weight loss, and also to document my journey to "finding myself", and I feel like a big fat failure.  I know people like to read blogs for inspiration, and I certainly have not been an inspiration for the year (or a little more than a year) that I've had this blog.  I know I've lost quite a lot of readers, partly because of this, and also partly because I just kind of fizzled out and stopped blogging.  In other words, I didn't want to keep coming back here to talk about how I fell off the wagon again - after only a few days.

Everyone says that there is a moment when everything "clicks."  Maybe I haven't had that moment yet.  Maybe I never will, and it's not necessarily true.  All I know is that I really want to lose this weight.  More than anything.  But I haven't been willing to make the changes necessary to lose that weight.

Thanks to anyone who has stuck around (if there's anyone out there).  I've made a promise to myself that I will continue to blog, good and bad.  But now I probably won't only focus on weight loss.  I know my blog is weight-loss centered - that won't change - but there is definitely more to me than just weight loss, so expect some posts from me that are not about weight loss.

I was contemplating on changing the name of my blog, but decided against it.  I'd like to keep this blog name - it's been a part of me for more than a year, so I don't want to change that.

Again, if there's anyone out there, thanks for sticking around.  You'll be glad you did, I promise!