Right This Moment

We’re all pretty hard on ourselves when it comes to our weight.  I’m pretty sure it comes with the territory of being a woman.  So when someone else decides to comment on it, and put you down for it?  That’s when it becomes heartbreaking.  Especially coming from someone who you thought loved you.

For the past few months, I’ve had to deal with that pain.  I’ve had to listen to someone tell me that I need to lose weight.  That I need to be a certain number on the scale to be a part of their life.  That I need to be their size, or smaller, to look normal with them.  That I need to lose weight like some girl they work with – she lost weight over the summer and looks incredible, so why haven’t I?  I need to make a schedule and work out those days.  They are embarrassed to take me places.  Yes, all of those things have been said to me, plus more, numerous, numerous, times.

This person claims it’s only because they care and want me to be healthy.

I’m not stupid.  I don’t believe them.

And all of this has really made me hate myself and my body even more.  It has made me gain even more weight.  Because really – who loses weight when someone they love is hounding them, and bullying them?  No one.  It makes them feel terrible, and want to eat more.  It makes them do the very thing that made them fat in the first place – eat their feelings.

This blog is not a only a weight loss blog, but a place for me to heal.  A place for me to find myself, to find inner peace….to find my inner butterfly.  I don’t believe that can happen when someone like this is present in my life.  But how can I shut them out of my life?  This person has been a constant in my life for more than three years.  This person has been the only person who I’ve done things with – I’ve spent about 95% of my time with this person for 3 long years.  All of my friends are married, have families, etc.  What happens when I let go? 

I will be alone.  Completely alone.  With no one to go out with on the weekends.  No one to talk to.  How can I meet other people when I have friends who have their own lives, and their own priorities?

How do I let go?  How do I move on?  All I know is I don’t want to be in this place anymore.  I want to change my life, and move it in a positive direction.  I feel stuck.  That no matter what I do, I will be miserable. 

And this is where I’m at….right this moment.

I Need A Vacation from my Vacation

Hello hello….last time I blogged, I was getting ready to go out of town for a nice week-long vacation.  It was certainly nice.  Not so nice to my waist line though.

Pretty sure everything I’ve done so far with my Max Weight Loss Challenge went down the drain.  My diet spiraled out of control beginning on Friday the 4th.  And it’s still out of control.  I feel bloated and disgusting.  And exercise?  Pfft.  What exercise?

Sigh.

Story of my life.

I did enjoy my vacation, but it’s time to get back at it.  I’ll be starting week 3 on Monday of my workout plan (even though it’s technically week 4…..or is it 5?  I’ve lost count).  And well….food.  Food is always such an issue.  I really wish I was one of those skinny bitches who could eat whatever she wants and not gain a pound.  But sadly I am not one of them.  This food thing has become all about trying 420394580928345 different things, only to find out it’s “not for me.” 

I’m beginning to think nothing is for me.    :)

But.  I just gotta keep truckin’.  And truckin’ I will.

Have a great weekend friends!

July Goals

It’s a new month, and I thought I’d start making some monthly goals for myself, both to help me find “my inner butterfly” and to help with the weight loss.  Here are the goals for this month….

1.  READ ONE BOOK
I don’t care if it’s on my Nook, or an actual good old book.  But I used to read so much.  When I was younger, my grandpa would always take me to the book store for my birthday.  I would always come out of there with a TON of books – we’re talking like 10-15 books (which I’d finish within about a month, ha!).  Books have always been enjoyable to me, but I have not put aside time for this at all lately.  Time to change that!

2.  TRACK CALORIES/MACROS IN MFP EVERY DAY
I mentioned in my last post that I’m following the Skinny Meg challenge on Facebook.  Meg has recommended counting macros.  Though I’m not sure I really want to get that number-crazy, I am going to make it a goal to track what I’m eating every day….and keep an eye on the macros part.

3.  NO STARCHES AFTER 3PM
This is part of a plan I’m following.  I am always eating so crappy at night.  Time to kick it up a notch!

4. FOLLOW MY WEEKLY WORKOUT SCHEDULES
As you know, each week I’m posting my weekly workout schedules for the Maximum Weight Loss Challenge I created.  I want to keep up with the schedules as much as possible.  This week and next week will be a struggle, of course.

5.  READ “JUMP…AND YOUR LIFE WILL APPEAR”
This is in addition to the one book I want to read in #1.  This is one of those goals that will eventually help me find “my inner butterfly.”

I think these are all do-able, and I look forward to seeing where I’m at at the end of this month!  I’ll also be doing a mid-month check-in around the 15th.

What are your goals for July??

Week 2 In Review

I think the excitement of the 4th of July, and boyfriend’s surprise for his birthday coming up on Thursday, is making me go off track.  Celebrating usually means ALL THE FOODS for me.  Heck, everything means ALL THE FOODS for me.  Whether I’m celebrating, happy, sad, bored, lonely, excited; anything.  I did workout last week, and I’ll get to that in a minute, but this week is not starting off so great.  I think another part of it is that I know that I’m not going to have time to workout or do much starting July 3 – 9.  July 3 I’ll be taking my boyfriend somewhere for his birthday (I’ll go in to more detail later), then on the 4th we’ll be going to my hometown for the parade and heading up north to the cabin right after that.  We won’t be back until the 9th. 

SO…that kind of throws my schedule, um….off schedule?  I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet.  I may repeat part of last week today and tomorrow, and then finish off part of last week’s schedule when I get back next week.  If you were not totally confused by that, I commend you.

Anyway.  So here’s how I did last week.

Review of Week 2

Workouts
I only worked out 3 days.  I really need to work on keeping my motivation going through the entire week.  But when I did work out, it was HARD.  I gave 110%, and it shows with the sweaty mess I turned in to….

Sweat was literally dripping down my back and legs.

The cardio workouts I did were Party Rockin Step #1, Step Blast, and Drill Max Premix 1.  By Wednesday, my body was just tired.  I could not get through the entire workout, but was happy with what I did.  Then I also did 3 of the 4 weight workouts: Lower Body + Burn Sets Shoulders, Burn Sets Chest/Back/Core (couldn’t get through all of the core portion), and Burn Sets Biceps/Triceps.  The weight workout I missed was kind of a full body day.

Food
I got a little bored with my meals last week.  But here’s what I ate….

Breakfasts were Almond Butter Banana Protein Pie
Mid-morning Snacks were Sour Cream and Onion Pop Chips
Lunches were Clean Protein and Veggie Stir-Fry (LOVED this)
Afternoon Snacks were mixed fruit (watermelon, strawberries, and grapes)
Dinners were chicken and side salad (this is where I got really bored)

Like I said, I’m still working through the plan for Week 3 (this week), so that will come later….maybe.  This week hasn’t started off too great.  BUT – I did join Skinny Meg’s challenge on Facebook, and will expand on that a little more later on too.

For now, happy Tuesday folks!